Why do people play small?
After a few months out, I'm back at writing, inspired to share more of what happens in my life and the lessons I learn everyday. Different formats and different topics every week.
Lately I realized I’ve been falling into a “playing small” mindset without even noticing.
A recent incident made me think about it: my girlfriend and I were heading to a beachside post-wedding brunch, only to find a huge line of cars waiting to enter the parking lot. Immediately, I suggested we park a kilometer away and walk the rest as I figured the close spots would surely be taken, and at least this way we’d secure a spot (even if it meant a hot, unpleasant walk at noon). In other words, I was ready to settle for less.
But my girlfriend refused to play along. She goes: “No, we’re going to find a parking spot in front of the restaurant.”
We debated for a minute and then decided to test our luck
Guess what?
We pulled in and found a spot right in front of the restaurant.
This led to a lively discussion between us: Why was she so confident there’d be a perfect spot, while I was so sure we needed to park far away? Why did I instinctively play it small in that situation, assuming the ideal outcome was out of reach? And beyond parking spots, why do so many of us “play small” in life, settling for less or assuming we can’t have what we truly want?
This episode got me reflecting on the psychology of why people play small, and how we can break out of that habit.
The Underlying Psychological Ground
Why do people play small?
I learnt with many ressources and over time that it comes down to a few beliefs and fears`;
Scarcity Mindset
Many of us have internalized a scarcity mindset – a subconscious belief that good things are scarce or that we’re competing for limited resources/opportunities. This mindset might come from childhood experiences, social conditioning, or past disappointments. In simple terms, a scarcity mindset leaves you feeling anxious, overwhelmed and paralyzed, whereas an abundance mindset makes you feel excited, motivated, and ready for action.
The best way to put it is: with scarcity thinking, life looks like a zero-sum game
If someone else wins, you assume it means you lose → in my parking-lot story, my immediate thought “let’s grab whatever we can get now” – was classic scarcity thinking. I assumed only a suboptimal outcome was available, so I should grab it before things get worse. People play small in many situations for the same reason: they don’t believe enough good opportunities exist, so they settle for crumbs rather than seek the whole cake.
Fear of Failure (and Success)
Another big driver of playing small is fear.
Fear of failure is obvious: if you aim high and miss, it hurts.
To avoid that pain, we lower the bar and tell ourselves a smaller life is good enough.
But there’s also the sneaky fear of success that can make us sabotage ourselves. Succeeding can actually feel scary: it might bring higher expectations, responsibility, or even jealousy from others.
In other words, staying small felt more secure. Likewise, some people fear that if they step into their full power, they’ll somehow mess up or lose the friendly comfort of the status quo. So, they unconsciously play small to stay safe.
Limiting Beliefs & Identity
Many of us carry limiting beliefs about what we deserve or what we’re capable of. These often stem from past experiences or messages we absorbed over time:
“I’m not talented enough,”
“People like me can’t do X,”
“I always get the short end of the stick”
Over time, these beliefs solidify into part of our identity, and we start living below our potential to avoid challenging that identity.
Carol Dweck calls it a fixed mindset, or the belief that our abilities and qualities are static.
In a fixed mindset, if you encounter a challenge that exceeds your current capacity, you might think, “I can’t do this; I’ll never improve,” and back off. In fact, Dweck’s research found that people with a fixed mindset see tough challenges or mistakes as catastrophic signs of inadequacy – if they’re not already good at something, they assume there’s “no chance of improvement.”
By contrast, those with a growth mindset believe skills can be learned and improved, so every challenge becomes a learning opportunity.
Playing small is often a byproduct of a fixed mindset or low self-belief – we avoid stretching ourselves because deep down we don’t think we can grow to meet the challenge. For example, if I secretly doubt my ability to succeed, I’ll choose very low goals or safe bets to ensure I never have to confront that doubt. It’s a self-fulfilling cycle: by not pushing past our comfort, we prove our limiting beliefs true.
Defensive Pessimism
This term from psychology describes a strategy where people lower their expectations and over-prepare for negative outcomes as a way to manage anxiety. In plain terms, it’s expecting the worst so you won’t be disappointed. While a little caution is healthy, living in this mode constantly can shrink your world. If you always assume you’ll strike out, you’ll stop stepping up to the plate. My instinct to park far away was a mild form of defensive pessimism – I was bracing for a bad outcome to protect myself from disappointment. The downside is, you also cut yourself off from the best outcomes. Chronic pessimism can become a habit of playing small: you preemptively retreat or accept less because you’re convinced anything more is unlikely or risky.
These psychological factors often overlap and reinforce each other. Someone with a scarcity mindset might also have a lot of fear and a fixed self-view that “this is as much as I can get.” Recognizing these underlying patterns is the first step. As the saying goes, “whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” When we play small, we usually think we’re protecting ourselves – from failure, from lack, from pain – but in reality we are cementing a narrative of inadequacy and limitation.
The good news is that mindsets are not fixed traits; they can be changed.
Two Different Mindsets: Defensive vs. Offensive
Those who know me know that I love chess. And that game illustrates perfectly the difference between a defensive and offensive strategy.
Playing defensively might keep you safe for a while, but it rarely leads to a win. Taking an offensive approachopens the chance to succeed, even if it involves risk. When it comes to how we approach our goals and decisions, we often have to choose:
Will we play not to lose, or play to win?
In the parking lot anecdote, I was in a defensive mindset. I wanted to secure something (any parking spot) to avoid the possibility of getting nothing.
My girlfriend was in an offensive mindset as she went straight for the ideal outcome (a front-row spot) despite the risk that it might not pan out.
This is a small example of a larger difference in mindset that shows up everywhere in life. A defensive mindset is essentially about avoiding loss, whereas an offensive mindset is about pursuing gain.
Psychologists sometimes discuss this in terms of prevention-focus vs. promotion-focus, but the idea is straightforward: A defensive/prevention-focused person is motivated by not losing what they have (or not making a mistake), while an offensive/promotion-focused person is motivated by reaching for what they want to achieve.
An offensive mindset correlates strongly with what we discussed earlier as an abundance mindset. If you believe opportunities are plentiful and success is attainable, you’re more likely to go after what you really want.
A defensive mindset correlates with scarcity thinking – assuming there’s not enough to go around leads to playing safe and small.
I used to think that offensive meant aggressive or selfish in a negative way – actually, it means being proactive and confident in pursuit of your goals. Some of the most successful and fulfilled people have this trait: they give themselves permission to aim high and they don’t apologize for wanting a great life. They aren’t content with just avoiding failure; they want to create something meaningful.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
The offensive mindset is about taking the shot.
How to Shift from Playing Small (Defensive) to Playing Big (Offensive)
It’s a bit like training a muscle: at first it feels weird and you can’t see anything changed, but with consistency and practices it becomes natural.
Here are some practical strategies to start playing bigger in your life:
Flip to a Growth/Abundance Perspective
Consciously reframe situations to focus on possibilities rather than limitations. This is where adopting a growth mindset and an abundance mindset comes in.
❌ I can’t / not enough # ✅ what if it did work out? / why not me?
Positivity and optimism can be contagious and magnetic: the more you look for the good, the more good tends to come your way
Take Small Bold Actions aka Build the “win” muscle
The best way to prove to yourself that the sky won’t fall when you play big is to take action in small doses. If you’ve been “playing small” in some area, commit to a small stretch outside your comfort zone, and do it relatively soon (while the idea is fresh). Think of these as little experiments or “controlled exposures” to the things you fear
For example, if you usually never speak up in meetings, challenge yourself to voice one idea in the next meeting.
If you’ve been holding back from starting a creative project (say, writing a blog, launching a side business, etc.) because you’re afraid it won’t be perfect, give yourself one hour to just start on a rough draft or a basic business plan.
These actions should feel a bit uncomfortable – which is amazing.
Like working a muscle, you need some resistance to grow.
Psychologists say that avoiding what we fear only reinforces the fear, whereas “pursuing growth through small, controlled exposures” builds true confidence through experience So set yourself up with winnable challenges.
Give Yourself Permission to Want More
Perhaps the most profound shift that operates for me is an internal one: deciding that you are allowed to dream big and go after what you truly want.
People who play small often do so because they feel on some level that aiming for the “front-row spot” is not for them. They might think they’re not entitled to it, or that they’d be greedy or unrealistic to expect extraordinary things.
It’s time to blast that thought out of your system.
Wanting more – whether it’s more success, more happiness, more impact, or even just more convenience (like a closer parking spot!) – is not a bad thing.
It doesn’t make you ungrateful for what you have; it makes you human and ambitious. So give yourself permission to want what you want, fully and without guilt.
For example, next time you’re at a restaurant and the first table they give you is by a drafty door, don’t play small and silently endure it: politely ask if you can move to the nicer table by the window.
These little moments of claiming what you want send a powerful message to your psyche and over time, you’ll carry yourself with more assurance and attract better outcomes simply because you’re no longer automatically settling for less.
Embracing Your Bigger Life
Ultimately, playing small or big is a choice. It’s a habit of mind that becomes a habit of life. The parking spot saga was a trivial example, but it opened my eyes to how frequently I was defaulting to “small” thinking in other areas. The shift starts with awareness and is fueled by action. Every time you resist the urge to shrink or settle – and instead take a step forward in faith – you’re building a new pattern for yourself.
It’s worth noting that playing big doesn’t mean you’ll never fail or get disappointed. You will. There’s no such thing as an undefeated life. My girlfriend and I might have gambled on that parking spot and lost, ending up further away. But here’s the thing: if you adopt an offensive, abundance mindset, even when things don’t pan out, you don’t take it as proof that you should never try.
Like a kid: you learn, you adjust, and you keep your eyes on the next opportunity. In fact, you realize that you can handle setbacks. One failure or rejection doesn’t define you: it’s simply information, a lesson learned.
To circle back to the conversation that inspired these reflections: Mel Robbins’s interview with Chelsea Handler was all about encouraging people to step into their full potential. The message was clear: if you’ve been walking around thinking “that goal or dream would be nice… but probably not for me,” that ends today.
So the next time you find yourself at a metaphorical (or literal) crossroad, remember that you are just as entitled to the “good parking spot” as anyone else.
Sources:
Robbins, M. (2025). How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be (Interview with Chelsea Handler) – Mel Robbins Podcast, Episode 313 (Transcript & Description) melrobbins.com
Strategic Coach – Abundance Mindset vs. Scarcity Mindset (Blog Article) strategiccoach.com, strategiccoach.com.
Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success – Summary via Harvard Business School Online, online.hbs.edu.
Jambunathan, S. (2025). Play to Win vs Play Not to Lose – LinkedIn Article linkedin.com.
Samson, K. (2025). The Paradox of Playing Small – M2 Magazine (Fear of Success analysis)m2now.com, m2now.com, m2now.com.